The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
