so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
