It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
