The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
