Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
