the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
