Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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