The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
