A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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