I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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