Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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