Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
