he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
