im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I supernannyed him into submission
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
