I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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