Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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