she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
