he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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