last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
