I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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