so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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