she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ketchup is God's man juice
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Randomize
