I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
