I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
