I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
