his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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