My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
