a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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