if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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