I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I need a burrito and a hug.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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