I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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