so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
