Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Green mimosas i think yes
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
