Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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