Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
