I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
