very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
