I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
