I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
