I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
