I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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