you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
