between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
