youre lurking in front of me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
