one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
operation have a gay friend backfired
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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