Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
