If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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