Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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