I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
