I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
