If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
