I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
