Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
